complications

     Surprise, surprise. My workout plans have stalled again. Only this time, it's not my fault. I swear.
I have no clue what I did to my shoulder/neck area, but I did something to it and it was hurting for the vast majority of last week. It felt better, but then it started hurting again this weekend. Ugh...I'll be taking ib for the rest of the week most likely. If it doesn't get much better, I'll have to go to the doctor...and I'm not in the mood to do that.

     Another complication that a lot of people don't think about is hair. I'm not a cute little white girl that can just toss her hair in a pony and go workout and wash it afterwards. I'm a black girl who spends a lot of money to get my hair chemically straightened and I cannot wash it every time I work out. I did a little research and found a sweat-wicking headband for cheap. I'm going to try and find it today so I can start working out tomorrow.

     Hmm...what else? Oh! I am really, fully committed to ww again. Meaning I went grocery shopping  so that I have real food in my house. One thing that I am trying my absolute hardest not to do is weigh myself every day. It's not healthy, it doesn't serve any purpose other than to frustrate me and it's a bad habit that I had gotten myself into.  Hopefully I can still try and lose 10 lbs by my birthday.

     xxxo.

2 months.

I've already weighed in and tracked my measurements for this week and here they are:
weight:172.8
waist: 33
hips: 38
thighs: 22.5
bust: 41.5  (side note: I'm not expecting this measurement to change much)
around belly (aka, love handles): 37.5

In comparision here's where they were when I weighed 177
waist: 33.5
hips: 40
thighs: 23
bust: 42.5
around belly: 38

So, there has been some change and I am glad that I've had a little bit of change. I keep a wall of wedding dress pictures up in my living room, hoping that it'll motivate me to want to work out. No one wants to look like  blimp on their wedding day. I'm getting married in two years, which means that I should have my wedding dress picked out and bought by next July or August. It's such a scary and exciting thought to me that in about a year from now, I will be trying on wedding gowns (finally) and making one of the biggest purchases of my life so far.

My 25th birthday is in 2 months, and so my new goal is to lose 10 lbs by then. Wish me luck :)

I am going to try and blog more regularly; at least once a week when I weigh myself. Which also means that I will stop weighing myself more than once a week. I feel like I never talk about the good things in my life, so next time I will do just that.

xxxo

noise

              I’ve always been a bit of an introspective person. My training in counseling psychology, for better or worse, has allowed me to have even more insight on my inner thoughts. In general, I have come to realize that I have an unhealthy relationship with food. This may sound obvious to some, but not everyone that gains weight has an unhealthy relationship with food. I live by myself and I don’t do much other than go to work. It’s much easier to find joy and happiness sitting on the couch with my bffs Ben and Jerry than to force myself to go out and run on my own.  (Again, also because of my fear of failure). I have used food as a comfort and to make myself happy and it’s really hard to break myself of those habits It’s so comfortable and easy for me. People make change sound so easy, but it really isn’t. If you’re someone like me that has deep seated issue, it’s really going to take a lot of time and failure in order for me to accomplish my goals.

                I feel that in order for me to really change on the inside, I have to be able to quiet the noise in my brain about food. To me, noise is anything that is preventing you from finding your happy.  To be fair, the concept of noise was first brought to my attention after reading “A Place of Yes” by Bethenny Frankel awhile back.  It makes absolute sense. You have to quiet the background noise of “no, you can’t do it” before you can proceed with “yes, you can do this and be successful at it.” I have a lot of noise with food because I have never been happy with the body that I was given. It all goes back to me never thinking that I was good enough. I need to realize that I am good enough; that I deserve to be happy, no matter the label on my skirts, or the number on the scale.

                I’ve technically been “back” on WW since this week, but I haven’t really. In fact, I’ve gained 1.4 lbs since I weighed myself last Sunday. But I really will be back tomorrow. I’ll be tracking my weight and my measurements, as usual, and I will be posting them tomorrow. I also took pics earlier this week and I may or may not post them  :)

Until next time.
tds.

Philippians 4:8

Weight watchers and I have broken up. We're still on speaking terms, but not as good as we used to be.  I plan on starting back on it soon (June 1), but I just felt like I needed a break. It sounds silly, but I am afraid of change. I've always been someone who needs to know what's going to come next, and with my weight loss journey, I don't know where it's going. I'm a very logical person and weightloss, to me, has not been a logical process.

I feel like my difficulties with losing weight have to do with my anxiety. I have generalized anxiety disorder. Although I do have a degree in psychology, this is not a self diagnosis. GAD is something that I've had since childhood, and it took a psychologist that I was seeing to finally put the pieces together. There has always been a constant aura of worry and what if's in my head. I worry all the time that what I'm doing isn't good enough. The whole concept of "good enough" is something that has guided my thinking as far back as I can remember. I've always been a perfectionist--remember that a perfectionist isn't someone who is 'perfect', but someone who strives to be such. In striving for perfection and trying to be good enough, I've been so hard on myself. Nothing that I have done has ever been good enough for myself.  Anyone who knows me intimately knows that I'm like this--in grad school I've had both of my advisors comment on this. We had to take a comprehensive exam in order to qualify for graduation. I scored 10 points higher than the qualifying score and 15 points higher than the national average, but I still thought that I could have done better.

I'm not a religious person, but this Bible verse really speaks to me (if you're a member of my Sorority it should mean something to you too!) :
whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. (Philippians 4:8)

I say all of that to say, I really need to channel my energy and frustrations into more positive things. It took me about 5 years to gain the extra 50 lbs, and it's unrealistic to expect to lose it all in the course of four months. I just need to get out of my head about it and stop beating myself up over it. Easier said than done, right?

xxxo

obsessions.

We've got obsessions. I want to erase every nasty thought that bugs me every day of every week.
We've got obsessions. You never told me what it was that made you strong and what it was that made you weak.


Long time no post, as usual. I just really felt the need to post because I feel myself slipping back into the old version of me. The version of me that I have tried so hard to change. I feel like the old me is coming back because I stopped making progress on my weight loss, and once that happened I got unmotivated.  I know that I didn't put on all these extra pounds in 3 months, so I shouldn't expect to lose it in 3 months. But I am very impatient and I get stuck easily. I feel like it has taken me so long to decide to do something about my weight because I got stuck emotionally. It's so easy to go through the motions of your everyday life without realizing that there's a problem until something happens. I had to realize that I wasn't putting myself first. It's funny, I always said that I could never afford to go to the gym here (avg membership is about 70 month), but I'm pretty sure that I could easily spend that much eating out during a month. In order to live a healthy life, you have to put yourself first and realize that it's not about how you look in your clothes. It's about how you feel and how your body performs. You shouldn't get winded walking up a flight of stairs, or after a quick sprint to catch the bus or train.

While I'm on that thread, I'd just like to express my frustration with people trying to lose weight by unattainable methods. I don't want to sound all high and mighty because I'm trying to do it the "right" way, but it just pisses me off for some reason. It's totally reasonable to expect to lose weight by only eating fruits and vegetables, but it's not reasonable to expect that weight loss to be permanent. Counting my points is a pain in the ass, but I have learned a lot from it. Mainly that my portion sizes were way out of control. It's a struggle, but I know that I am worth it.

I don't think I ever revealed my weight here. I think I've made mention that my training is in the mental health field. I've always been a big proponent of using self-disclosure as a means to make meaning. Currently I am 172, but the lowest that the scale has gone since I've started my weight loss has been 170.8. The highest that I have ever weighed has been 181. So I am progressing. I just know that I can't expect perfection.  And giving up that idea of perfection is one of the hardest things I have ever done.

xxxo.
tds.

disappointment.

I'm updating from my blackberry so this will be short and simple.

I'm really disappointed in myself and how I have been not being good to my body. I lost a little bit of weight and got cocky. all of my hard work is going away because I got lazy. 

Now begins the hardwork.

Xxxo

frustrations.

I am getting really frustrated with this weight loss thing. I haven't lost a anything since my 4 week weigh in. In fact, I've only gained it. I know that I haven't been working out like I should and I WILL start doing so. I have absolutely no excuses.

This also goes to show that you will gain weight back if you don't watch what you eat and know what makes you gain weight. My body loves carbs and sugar. I've been eating oatmeal every morning for like two weeks now. Despite the fact that oatmeal is healthy for you,  I think I've been overdoing it and my body is repaying me for that fact. I really need to cut out my love of sugar. It's so hard to re-train your brain and tastebuds about how something should taste. I am getting better though; I used to use 14 packets of sugar in my hot tea (16oz) when I was in college. Yeah, told you I was getting better.

I really need to start working out next week. I need the weekend to clear my headspace and mentally prepare myself. I know that I can do it...it just takes patience (which I usually don't have)

xxxo.

choices.

I'm back. Since my last post I had my weekly weigh in and I'd lost 7 lbs since I started. Yayyy!

However, this week was really rough. I started my period and I've gained water weight. Since I saw that I gained water weight, I decided to say fuck it for the most part. I've been eating out for lunch (although as healthily as possible) and I've also been eating chocolate like a fiend, which I know is so terrible for me.

I tend to reward myself on the weekends. Ex: last weekend I had Chinese food, weekend before that I had ben and jerry's after dinner. Tonight I almost ordered a pizza for myself. At first it was just going to be a personal size. Then I wanted a regular size. Then I wanted cheesecake to go along with my regular size pizza.

Then I realized that I didn't need any of it. I often get disappointed by little things that I do, and I let them takeover all of the goals I have accomplished so far. I'm definitely not perfect, but I am trying really hard to make better decisions. So, instead of spending money on food that I know won't make me feel better, I'm going to be ordering 2 Jillian Michaels workouts and heating up my beef stew that I made from scratch.

Somethingelse that I've learned so far on my journey is that I love cooking. And I'm actually pretty good at it :) I've gone a bit out of my comfort zone in terms of my cooking, but I'm looking forward to pushing  the envelope in that arena.

xxxo.

progress.

I was going to post a blog on Monday, but I decided to wait. So,  on Tuesday it was decent weather outside and I wanted to wear a skirt, so I went to grab my favorite black pencil skirt. I throw the skirt on, toss a sweater over it and notice that the skirt is a little too big for me (!!!). Words cannot express how big my smile got when I realized this. I then went to get another skirt. A skirt that I bought because a) who doesn't need a tweed pencil skirt and b) it was from banana republic and was 11.00; despite the fact that it was a smidge snug on me. The skirt fit me very well that day. Insert another crazy huge smile.

I've been cheating and weighing myself, but I think that I'll stop because I have to learn that progress comes in ways other than seeing the number on the scale.

I'll be officially weighing in on Sunday and I'll post my total lost. I'll also be re-taking my measurements.

xoxo

catharsis.

(I wrote this a week ago!)

Suuuuper long time no chat. Yes, I know; I really am not a blog type of girl. But, I feel like I can best express myself when I have my thoughts written out.

Since the last time, a few things have changed.  I am now working full time (yay!) It's not in my field, but it's a job and it's paying me pretty well, so I can't complain. It has been really busy lately; I work in higher ed and it's admission time. Along with being busy, I've been ignoring myself. My apartment is a mess, I haven't been eating well and I just haven't been interested in the things that I usually find interesting.

I've always considered myself to be a Rogerian, especially when I was doing therapeutic work. One of my favorite quotes by Carl Rogers is "The curious paradox is that as soon as I begin to accept myself just as I am, I can begin to change." That quote has been bouncing around in my head all
month long and today I finally bit the bullet. I signed up for weight watchers. I had been thinking about doing it for months, but there was always some excuse:

"oh, I'll do it when they have free signups."
Free signups rolled around

"Oh, I'll do it when I have groceries in the fridge"
I went to the grocery store

It finally all just clicked today. I just needed to stop making excuses for myself. No one is responsible for how I eat, and for my health but me. I'm planning a wedding. Not only do I want to look good that day and I want to start my life out with my husband healthy and happy.

I think that most things in this world don't happen by accident. A week ago I was on facebook and I saw a picture that a classmate from grad school posted. The picture was a huge heap of clothes and in summary the caption mentioned that she had lost 41 lbs. I found myself being amazed that she had lost so much weight, while being busy (she's in a doctoral program and also works). Lo and behold, I ran into said classmate on the train! I asked her how she lost the weight, and she said weight watchers. I was so happy to hear that because I felt like I would be alone in my journey to be healthy. *Susan and I talked for awhile about getting back to being healthy and what that really meant for each of us.

After Susan got off at her stop, I sat down and reflected on our  conversation. The thing that was most salient to me were my thoughts of Rogers's quote and how applicable to my life it was. I had finally accepted who I was as a person, with all of my flaws and accomplishments, and I was ready to change who I was both inside and out. I can't describe the amazing cathartic feeling that I had, only that it made me cry. I had never experienced something amazing like that and I wish that everyone could have a moment like that.

I've been on WW for a week now. I weigh in on Sunday...I'll let you know how it all goes. I'll also post my measurements (oh boy) and maybe pics.


xxxo