Philippians 4:8

Weight watchers and I have broken up. We're still on speaking terms, but not as good as we used to be.  I plan on starting back on it soon (June 1), but I just felt like I needed a break. It sounds silly, but I am afraid of change. I've always been someone who needs to know what's going to come next, and with my weight loss journey, I don't know where it's going. I'm a very logical person and weightloss, to me, has not been a logical process.

I feel like my difficulties with losing weight have to do with my anxiety. I have generalized anxiety disorder. Although I do have a degree in psychology, this is not a self diagnosis. GAD is something that I've had since childhood, and it took a psychologist that I was seeing to finally put the pieces together. There has always been a constant aura of worry and what if's in my head. I worry all the time that what I'm doing isn't good enough. The whole concept of "good enough" is something that has guided my thinking as far back as I can remember. I've always been a perfectionist--remember that a perfectionist isn't someone who is 'perfect', but someone who strives to be such. In striving for perfection and trying to be good enough, I've been so hard on myself. Nothing that I have done has ever been good enough for myself.  Anyone who knows me intimately knows that I'm like this--in grad school I've had both of my advisors comment on this. We had to take a comprehensive exam in order to qualify for graduation. I scored 10 points higher than the qualifying score and 15 points higher than the national average, but I still thought that I could have done better.

I'm not a religious person, but this Bible verse really speaks to me (if you're a member of my Sorority it should mean something to you too!) :
whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. (Philippians 4:8)

I say all of that to say, I really need to channel my energy and frustrations into more positive things. It took me about 5 years to gain the extra 50 lbs, and it's unrealistic to expect to lose it all in the course of four months. I just need to get out of my head about it and stop beating myself up over it. Easier said than done, right?

xxxo