nothing good ever does come easy.

I really do hate being anxious. I cant help my anxiety, but I can do so many things to help myself live with it. My anxiety has been the bane and blessing of my existence for as long as I remember. It has caused many good things (I right a mean paper under duress) and fights with my mom who doesn't understand it fully (she is a "just get it done" person) and my fiance who tries to understand. I don't even understand why I feel the way I do sometimes. The irony of all of this (other than that I'm a mental health professional) is that I'm a very logical person.
 

I have come to the conclusion that it takes courage to quell all of the 'no's. Telling years and years of anxiety about rejection and perfection that their time is up. 

For so many years I have let the 'no's win by telling them yes. Yes, I'll have the fast food. Yes, I will watch tv all day. Yes I will make endless other bad choices.
But I am done with letting my anxieties control me.
 

Reading past entries, I don't know where my drive went. It just..disappeared. Where did my spark go? My drive? The girl that moved to college 4 hours away without knowing a soul? The girl that walked into a hiring director's office and told her why she should interview me?

That's not who I am. I have always been a fighter and I'm not going to quit.

On another note; two posts in a row, say whattt? :)

anything could happen.

Long time no write.

Lately, I just haven't felt like myself.  I feel like I have kind of lost my fun side and am srs bsns all the time. I usually don't leave my apartment on the weekend, unless its work or sorority stuff. I have no clue if that's because I have so much going on, or what. I'm not depressed; I just feel as though I am exisiting instead of living. I have never felt like this before, so this feeling definitely is odd and I don't know how to...breathe.

Lets break it down, shall we?
My fiance has been out of work since late January, through no fault of his. I have really tried so hard to be supportive for him, and I still am. It's just hard for me to be a little cheerleader for him when I know that he isn't busting his ass looking for a job. Yes, it might sound harsh and a little unfair, but it's the truth. He is getting benefits and the other night I had to remind him to do his weekly job searching. He doesn't like being out of work (who would?) but I would just like to see more of an effort on his part. Idk. Maybe that's just me having high expectations again.

As of today, our wedding is 390 days away. So far we have been engaged for a little over 3 years. The wedding is stressing me out for obvious reasons; money. Since my fiance has been out of work, I have been stressing out about the budget. Our budget was fairly small to begin with, since neither one of us wanted to spend a lot of money on our wedding. Since our parents are not helping us pay for our wedding, I really do feel a lot of pressure to cut things out/down from the budget. I really am doing the best I can, but things are expensive here. I just worry that things won't be like how I want them to be.

Speaking of the wedding, I am having a really hard time motiviating myself to start working out. I'm not gonna go all "stages of change" on you all, but it is hard to change when you know that you should change. I could go on and on about this, but I won't...I'm already getting anxious thinking about it. Maybe another time.
 
It's really easy convince myself that I have to all together when in fact, I am just really good at hiding everything. But that's always how I have been. Anxious little me. Always hiding what really is wrong with my life because I don't want to trouble anyone. As  a result of this, I've never liked depending on anyone other than myself. It's really hard for me to break myself of this habit of being so independent. I think that I often tread the line