Philippians 4:8

Weight watchers and I have broken up. We're still on speaking terms, but not as good as we used to be.  I plan on starting back on it soon (June 1), but I just felt like I needed a break. It sounds silly, but I am afraid of change. I've always been someone who needs to know what's going to come next, and with my weight loss journey, I don't know where it's going. I'm a very logical person and weightloss, to me, has not been a logical process.

I feel like my difficulties with losing weight have to do with my anxiety. I have generalized anxiety disorder. Although I do have a degree in psychology, this is not a self diagnosis. GAD is something that I've had since childhood, and it took a psychologist that I was seeing to finally put the pieces together. There has always been a constant aura of worry and what if's in my head. I worry all the time that what I'm doing isn't good enough. The whole concept of "good enough" is something that has guided my thinking as far back as I can remember. I've always been a perfectionist--remember that a perfectionist isn't someone who is 'perfect', but someone who strives to be such. In striving for perfection and trying to be good enough, I've been so hard on myself. Nothing that I have done has ever been good enough for myself.  Anyone who knows me intimately knows that I'm like this--in grad school I've had both of my advisors comment on this. We had to take a comprehensive exam in order to qualify for graduation. I scored 10 points higher than the qualifying score and 15 points higher than the national average, but I still thought that I could have done better.

I'm not a religious person, but this Bible verse really speaks to me (if you're a member of my Sorority it should mean something to you too!) :
whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. (Philippians 4:8)

I say all of that to say, I really need to channel my energy and frustrations into more positive things. It took me about 5 years to gain the extra 50 lbs, and it's unrealistic to expect to lose it all in the course of four months. I just need to get out of my head about it and stop beating myself up over it. Easier said than done, right?

xxxo

obsessions.

We've got obsessions. I want to erase every nasty thought that bugs me every day of every week.
We've got obsessions. You never told me what it was that made you strong and what it was that made you weak.


Long time no post, as usual. I just really felt the need to post because I feel myself slipping back into the old version of me. The version of me that I have tried so hard to change. I feel like the old me is coming back because I stopped making progress on my weight loss, and once that happened I got unmotivated.  I know that I didn't put on all these extra pounds in 3 months, so I shouldn't expect to lose it in 3 months. But I am very impatient and I get stuck easily. I feel like it has taken me so long to decide to do something about my weight because I got stuck emotionally. It's so easy to go through the motions of your everyday life without realizing that there's a problem until something happens. I had to realize that I wasn't putting myself first. It's funny, I always said that I could never afford to go to the gym here (avg membership is about 70 month), but I'm pretty sure that I could easily spend that much eating out during a month. In order to live a healthy life, you have to put yourself first and realize that it's not about how you look in your clothes. It's about how you feel and how your body performs. You shouldn't get winded walking up a flight of stairs, or after a quick sprint to catch the bus or train.

While I'm on that thread, I'd just like to express my frustration with people trying to lose weight by unattainable methods. I don't want to sound all high and mighty because I'm trying to do it the "right" way, but it just pisses me off for some reason. It's totally reasonable to expect to lose weight by only eating fruits and vegetables, but it's not reasonable to expect that weight loss to be permanent. Counting my points is a pain in the ass, but I have learned a lot from it. Mainly that my portion sizes were way out of control. It's a struggle, but I know that I am worth it.

I don't think I ever revealed my weight here. I think I've made mention that my training is in the mental health field. I've always been a big proponent of using self-disclosure as a means to make meaning. Currently I am 172, but the lowest that the scale has gone since I've started my weight loss has been 170.8. The highest that I have ever weighed has been 181. So I am progressing. I just know that I can't expect perfection.  And giving up that idea of perfection is one of the hardest things I have ever done.

xxxo.
tds.