catharsis.

(I wrote this a week ago!)

Suuuuper long time no chat. Yes, I know; I really am not a blog type of girl. But, I feel like I can best express myself when I have my thoughts written out.

Since the last time, a few things have changed.  I am now working full time (yay!) It's not in my field, but it's a job and it's paying me pretty well, so I can't complain. It has been really busy lately; I work in higher ed and it's admission time. Along with being busy, I've been ignoring myself. My apartment is a mess, I haven't been eating well and I just haven't been interested in the things that I usually find interesting.

I've always considered myself to be a Rogerian, especially when I was doing therapeutic work. One of my favorite quotes by Carl Rogers is "The curious paradox is that as soon as I begin to accept myself just as I am, I can begin to change." That quote has been bouncing around in my head all
month long and today I finally bit the bullet. I signed up for weight watchers. I had been thinking about doing it for months, but there was always some excuse:

"oh, I'll do it when they have free signups."
Free signups rolled around

"Oh, I'll do it when I have groceries in the fridge"
I went to the grocery store

It finally all just clicked today. I just needed to stop making excuses for myself. No one is responsible for how I eat, and for my health but me. I'm planning a wedding. Not only do I want to look good that day and I want to start my life out with my husband healthy and happy.

I think that most things in this world don't happen by accident. A week ago I was on facebook and I saw a picture that a classmate from grad school posted. The picture was a huge heap of clothes and in summary the caption mentioned that she had lost 41 lbs. I found myself being amazed that she had lost so much weight, while being busy (she's in a doctoral program and also works). Lo and behold, I ran into said classmate on the train! I asked her how she lost the weight, and she said weight watchers. I was so happy to hear that because I felt like I would be alone in my journey to be healthy. *Susan and I talked for awhile about getting back to being healthy and what that really meant for each of us.

After Susan got off at her stop, I sat down and reflected on our  conversation. The thing that was most salient to me were my thoughts of Rogers's quote and how applicable to my life it was. I had finally accepted who I was as a person, with all of my flaws and accomplishments, and I was ready to change who I was both inside and out. I can't describe the amazing cathartic feeling that I had, only that it made me cry. I had never experienced something amazing like that and I wish that everyone could have a moment like that.

I've been on WW for a week now. I weigh in on Sunday...I'll let you know how it all goes. I'll also post my measurements (oh boy) and maybe pics.


xxxo